Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should : why women must rethink the default yes
For many women, saying no doesn’t come easily, whether in business, work, or personal life. The expectation to be helpful, accommodating, and always available is deeply ingrained. But constantly saying yes can lead to overcommitment, resentment, and even burnout.
Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should
One of the most compelling recent studies on setting boundaries came from four female scientists who decided to track their refusals. Faced with unsustainable workloads, they committed to collective action, agreeing to say no to 100 work-related requests over a year, documenting their experiences along the way. What they discovered was transformative.
Keeping a record of every acceptance and rejection made it easier to identify patterns: how often they agreed to things they later regretted, and what kinds of commitments truly served their goals. They found that a firm no was far more effective than a vague or delayed refusal, which often led to bigger asks later. Giving themselves time before responding also proved valuable; instead of defaulting to yes, they learned to pause and assess whether a request aligned with their priorities.
Importantly, they also recognised how guilt and obligation can cloud decision-making, seeing that saying no wasn’t about letting others down, it was about protecting their ability to focus on what mattered most. Their experiment was so effective that they’ve now increased their target, each aiming for 100 refusals per year reinforcing that boundary-setting is an ongoing skill, not a one-off action【3】
Practical strategies for solopreneurs and consultants
In business, setting clear boundaries isn’t just about self-care, it’s a professional necessity, positioning you as a professional with clear boundaries. Here’s how to make it work:
- Set a ‘no’ quota: Notice how many requests you accept and later regret and use this as a baseline and commit to turning down a set number of non-essential asks each month.
- Price and scope with confidence: Avoid discounting or over-delivering out of guilt—your time is valuable.
- Use a ‘pause’ rule: Before committing, ask yourself: Does this serve my business goals? Am I saying yes for the right reasons?
- Redirect when possible: If a request isn’t right for you, suggest another provider instead of feeling obligated.
- Prepare set responses: Having go-to phrases makes declining easier, e.g., “I’d love to help, but my capacity is full right now.”
References:
【1】O’Brien, Katharine Ridgway (2014) “Gender Differences in Reactions to Work Refusals: Implications for Workplace Equity.” Rice University Repository.
【2】Siders, A. R., et al. (2022). “The Year of 100 Nos: Tracking Rejections to Understand Workload Management.” Nature.
【3】Financial Times. “Why women need to master the art of saying no.”
【4】Office for National Statistics (2022). “Unpaid Work and Care in the UK.”
【5】Lumin Feature: “Pulling Back the Veil on Hidden Fatigue.”
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In employment, this often translates to taking on extra tasks that don’t advance careers through activities that benefit others but don’t advance their own careers, like organising events or managing office morale. Women are more likely to say yes to these tasks, often at the expense of their own priorities, with researchers finding that when women do say no, they tend to experience more negative reactions than men, reinforcing the pressure to comply.
For solopreneurs, consultants, and small business owners, the pressure comes in different ways.
The reluctance to say no isn’t just about workload, it’s often tied to fear. Fear of missing out on an opportunity, of damaging a client relationship, or of being seen as difficult.
Research from Rice University sheds light on this. Across three studies, researchers examined not only whether women decline requests less frequently than men but also why this pattern persists and what can help to create change.
The findings suggest that both men and women tend to prefer individuals, and especially women, who rarely refuse requests, reinforcing the expectation that women should be accommodating. To counteract this dynamic, the research highlights the importance of developing effective refusal strategies that allow individuals to maintain professional relationships while asserting their limits. By learning to say no in ways that balance clarity and diplomacy, the researchers suggest women can push back on expectations and reclaim control over their time.